Lou Holtz: Proof That You, Too, Can Be On ESPN

There's blind support, there's unhealthy fanaticism, and then there's Lou Holtz.

There are quarterbacks that can't hang it up, there are long-time execs whose industries have passed them by, and then there's Lou Holtz.

There's John Daly, there's Richard Simmons, and then there's Lou Holtz.

Everyone knows that ole' Lou loves Notre Dame. ESPN knew it when it hired him. Until this week, however, it hadn't affected his ability to be a sane human being.

But now Lou Holtz is looking straight into the camera and declaring that Notre Dame has the best chance of winning the BCS National Championship.

Yes, that Notre Dame. Yes, this season.

It's now quite apparent that Lou Holtz has reached a new level of absurdity, one that even ESPN itself, along with its stable of clueless former athletes posing as commentators, could never have fathomed prior to this week.

In the same sequence, Kirk Herbstreit politely chuckled as he said to Lou, "I think you're on an island with that one."

Check that. Lou is on his own planet - a green planet where the sun shines gold and the rain falls navy blue; where every girl is a virgin and every neighborhood is united by its local pastor, Paul; and where dutiful citizens hitch rides on shamrock-shaped hovercrafts driven by leprechauns, guided at night not by streetlamps but by the glimmering light of Touchdown Jesus.

Lou, buddy, this is your job. You get paid to dole out your expert opinion. Heck, even if it's not expert, it's at least supposed to be educated. You aren't speaking to your Irish football team anymore.

I'm sure there won't be much written about this because Holtz has long been viewed less as a journalist and more as a source of entertainment, but think about it: If Holtz was anyone other than himself, wouldn't he be fired?

Truly. Who else could honestly saying that he's picking Notre Dame to win the championship, keep a straight face, slowly shift his gaze to the guy on his left to see what his pick is, and still have a job at ESPN the next day?

ESPN Ombudsman, where you at?

I mean, if I were Herbstreit, or Mark May, or Rece Davis, I'd wonder why I go to work every day. It's quite apparent that journalistic credibility means very little when it comes to TV ratings.

Just throw on a ridiculous hat and scream abysmal versions of college fight songs.

Grab a chalkboard and a jersey and make lovably awful halftime speeches.

Son, you were made for ESPN.

How athletes cope with the worst month in sports

Let's face it: The Super Bowl is over and now we have...

Nothing. Until March, that is.

Cue World's Strongest Man reruns!

My latest DT column here:
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With Valentine’s Day rapidly approaching, I feel it’s an appropriate time to mention that February gets no love from the sports world.

January is witness to the NFL playoffs, the Bowl Championship Series, the perennial Rafa-Federer classic and for all intents and purposes, the Super Bowl.

February brings us the muscled behemoth Magnus Ver Magnusson. From every angle. Pure man.

The month of love also gives Kobe Bryant ample opportunity to wink at you, in hopes it will engender amorous feelings toward a regular season that displays less effort than Grandma playing slots.

No playoffs. No tournaments. No love lost.

So what to do?

A place like USC is stocked with sports-loving, sports-playing and sports-watching fiends. Club and intramural sports are among the most popular student activities, and USC football is the most unifying event on campus.

It seems the natural answer is to consult USC athletes themselves, who are as big of sports fans as you and I.

They can see true sport from a mile away; so I asked them to show us February through their eyes.

“For me, February is not at all a downer for sports fans,” said basketball senior and resident all-everything man Keith Wilkinson. “I don’t think the NBA is very exciting to watch during the regular season, but as far as college basketball, I watch every game I can because these are all teams playing for one goal, and that is to make the NCAA tournament.”

The “Great White Hope” has a point. With the Pac-10 being labeled as a four-or-five bid league, every game will matter down the stretch for Wilkinson and his teammates.

Last February, after all, was when Wilkinson went en fuego, quickly becoming a fan favorite and helping lead his team into the postseason.

Show us the love, Keith — Galen Center is ready for it.

But enough of the basketball — everyone knows it’s out there, because it’s ESPN’s one and only lifeline during February.

What ESPN doesn’t show (and what ESPN assumes fans don’t care to watch) is the beautiful game: soccer. Turns out the sports media giant might be missing the boat.

And by boat, I mean the 6-foot-5, 295-pound USC defensive tackle Fili Moala. Dude gives it up for the other men on the grass.

“They dribble with their feet and still juke people,” said Moala, who is currently spending seven hours per day training for the NFL Draft. “Madrid, AC Milan and all those guys — I appreciate everyone for what they do.”

Ronaldinho versus Moala in full contact soccer. You organize it, I’ll sell it.

Men’s water polo player Jovan Vranes echoes Moala’s sentiment and admits to checking the soccer schedule every day.

“There are a bunch of top-notch competitions going on in Europe or in South America right now,” Vranes said, adding that you can’t find much soccer on ESPN, which tends to favor more sophisticated competitions like chain saw log-cutting and throwing kegs over walls.

And about those World’s Strongest Man reruns — athletes watch them, even if they aren’t quite sure why.

“OK, I’ll admit I actually have watched the Strong Man competitions,” said women’s basketball guard Hailey Dunham. “I think it’s the ridiculous challenges like pulling a fire truck a certain length that grabs my attention. It’s amazing to see how strong these men have to be to perform such challenges.”

Vranes’ water polo teammate Matt Sagehorn watches the obscure sports for a different reason.

“The appeal to me is that watching people who cut wood really fast or run on a floating log or even throw a keg over a wall is absolutely hilarious,” Sagehorn said.

Magnusson versus Sagehorn in full contact water polo sans referees. Again, you organize it, I’ll sell it.

After all, that’s what February is all about — enjoying sports for the sake of competition. Because you certainly aren’t going to find the volume of quality TV programming associated with other months.

And most athletes are cool with that.

Or as Moala put it, “You can watch this little Asian guy pound what, like 50 hot dogs?”

Amen, Fili. Amen.

For the rest of us, we’re lucky enough to be surrounded by a campus full of great sports stories, even if you might not know they’re in the making.

Vranes and Sagehorn’s squad won the national title in December, finishing a perfect 29-0. Women’s golf is in position for its second-straight NCAA championship and third in seven seasons. Women’s basketball gives you all the bravery without the bravado.

ESPN is nice, but let’s face it — February is a month to celebrate live sporting events.

Start spreading the love.

Kenny Mayne should be on ESPN more

Maybe I'm in the minority here, but wasn't Kenny Mayne beyond hilarious back in the day when he was on SportsCenter regularly? I'm not sure whose decision it was to minimize his role, but I sure hope it wasn't ESPN's.

The sports behemoth has been fooling around with new, original forms on content on ESPN.com in the past few months, likely due to the site's flattening traffic numbers. Although ESPN.com still trumps all other sports Web sites, 2008 brought no growth in unique visitors despite the wealth of great sports stories this year.

One of these "experiments" has been an original Web comedy series starring Mayne. While the series has had its moments, I have to admit I haven't been the biggest fan. The writing falls flat in many places.

But after watching episode 9 today, in which Mayne gives a group of tourists an off-color tour of ESPN's Bristol, Conn., headquarters, I'm starting to think the series is coming around.

My favorite line? "This is the screening room. It looks kinda like a nice OTB. Each game has to viewed, logged and then edited by a person who has never had sex."

In writing, maybe not the funniest thing you've read. But that's why Mayne is so great. He makes the clip.

If you have a few minutes, watch and enjoy. And ESPN, bring this guy back into my living room.